So it’s been a while since I decided to sit down at the computer and stare at silly, useless things on tumblr. But there’s just times it needs to happen. Mostly when I get the blues.
So I went to the doctor the other day for reasons I dont want to think about. And of course, they had to weigh me. It was the most shocking thing since that one time a few years ago that I got weighed. It’s
disgusting atrocious. This is probably the most I’ve ever weighed in my 23 years of life. And I really cant stand it.
Yet I can’t understand why I don’t do anything about it. I get sick thinking about going out for a walk, or going to sign up for a gym. WHY????? I think about going on weight watchers, that it’s definitely worth the money. But I don’t do it. Why???? I feel like it’s an addiction to food. And it’s as bad as any drug.
I try to think about what happened in my lifetime to cause this. The only thing I can think of is the way my dad treated me growing up. He always told me I needed to work out. He told me I was fat without actually saying it. He ripped my self-esteem from my core, threw it on the ground like a wet, infected rag, and. god, I dont know. Stomped on it with all his might. it just disappeared.
I look back at pictures from years ago, from high school or the beginning of college and I think ‘wow, i actually looked pretty good. healthy.’ but I never thought it then. and everything spiraled, and now I feel out of control.
What do I do?